Please write in to me and in between eating wheel barrows full of shite food I will enter your problem and my answer on this page to help you and other fat cunts like me.

Dear Martin,

I recently met a lovley girl whom is a lot thinner than me, my main problem is my cock, its not so much that it is small but my bellie is so big i simply carnt see it under the folds of fat, i really dont know what to do please help.

Thanks Big Bob

Bob, theres no simple answer to this, I have had the same problem for years and no matter how hard I try I just carnt get me cock near any minge, so the simple answer is buy yourself a dog, ideally a labrador, now the trick is to have the dogs teeth removed and dont feed it for a week, them lie back and enjoy the action, another bonus is you dont have to take her out and spend any money on her therefore you have more money for shite food. Love and Kisses Martin and Patch x



Dear Martin, I recently discovered I have caught an STD, however I have never had sex due to being obese, I carnt understand how this has happended, please can you help, Thanks Dave x

Dear Dave, Do you have a dog?


Dear martin, I ve recently found that I am no longer able to satisfy my girlfriend, I have gained so much weight it is just impossible to get my cock near her, i dont want to loose her as she is my world, please please please help me, i couldnt live without her, thanks Ken.

Ken, I know exactly were your comming from, and there is a simple answer "buy a dog" !



Dear Martin, I am no longer able to wipe my own arse, I usually wait for a few hours until it goes hard around my crack and then drag my arse across the carpet, however i carnt lift my weight any more without a hoist, knowing you like me is a fat cunt please help what do i do. Thanks Mark x

Mark, have you thought of buying a dog!